The fall…

When there is a rise, there is a fall, right? That’s how that works? Physics wasn’t always my strongest of the sciences (Physiology) but I did ok in it So, isn’t that how it works? I’m supposed to fall after the rise.

Only…I didn’t. At least not at first.

I felt…great?

Aren't I supposed to feel bad? Shouldn’t I have some sort of post-nut clarity where I realize what I’ve done, what I’ve risked, and immediately regret it all?

Eh.

But I didn’t feel numb either. I felt alive. Relaxed, happy, and alive. It was an amazing experience, and my body (and mind) were so clearly craving this.

So I drove. I went back to work like my world hadn’t just been rocked by this beautiful woman whose services I had paid to receive. I went about my day. I was productive. My head was clear. Even though my thoughts did keep drifting back to those mental pictures. How she looked at me. How wet my cock looked when it was half down her throat. The proud (mouth closed) smile on her face after the finish.

I wanted to go back.

I wanted more.

Only…I thought to myself, I should probably relax. This is the type of habit that could easily get expensive, and not stay a secret real fast. So I bargain with myself, as we do. Once a month. I can afford reasonably a monthly visit. But now that I've had this amazing experience, I’ll try new places. I can find new people. New things. Especially knowing that I can always go back to my favorite if I’m really in need.

Only…maybe I’m unnecessarily taking risks. Maybe trying new places raises my chances of being…you know…arrested? You know this is illegal, right, you jackass? Well, I’m not doing anything illegal just going for a massage. But it would look bad, even if legally I could explain away my presence. I’d have an unwanted encounter with law enforcement, and it just raises the risks that I have to get a lawyer, or tell my wife, or face public scrutiny. Even if I know that as long as I stay quiet and don’t answer any questions, there’s very little chance of me being prosecuted.

What did I say about the fall?

Right. So now I actually am processing the risk. Had I been given a choice, I would have worn a condom. I’m educated. I know things. I SHOULD have asked for a condom. Or left. But. She put her mouth on me while I was face down, before we had discussed anything! I had no control! What was I going to do, say no and stop her?? Especially when I wanted it so badly and clearly didn’t have a problem in the moment?

No.

Only…now I’m thinking. Am at risk for an STI? Ok, ok, I can deal with that. Low risk for the big ones. Slightly higher risk but easily treated for others. I’ll be ok. But what about my wife? Could you imagine. I end up asymptomatic, and never know I have something until SHE ends up with an STI? Fuck.

Ok, I’m falling.

Only…I still don’t entirely regret it.

So where do I go?

Do I monitor myself for any symptoms or signs? (Yes)

Do I wait a few weeks for the incubation/latent period to pass and then get tested, even if I’m not showing symptoms? (Yes)

Do I make sure I avoid sexual contact with my wife until I know? (Yes…but this wasn’t an issue. We are incredibly intimate, but really rarely sexual at this point.)

And I should definitely not go back, at least not for a long time, maybe ever. Probably never again. That’s fine. That’s good, actually.

Definitely a nice long break from these massages. Focus. Be present at home.

Only…

…maybe if I only get a handjob, that’s ok. Then I’m not an idiot. I’m not a bad guy. I’m not a sucker. At a different place. Safer.

Yea, that’s the ticket.

Nothing bad could happen then, right?

Right?